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| Fuck me and my self esteem. This happens every time.
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| there's something you need to say. To everyone, about everything that is on your mind. Stake your claim to your personal existence, at least the one that you claim to live in, and not the one that people seem to pick up on.
I'm tired of still having two of me out in the world.
I don't feel like sleeping.
My mind can't seem to rest. It hasn't since the middle of my senior year in highschool. And so far, at this point, I don't necessarily want it to. It's a double edged sword. My best thinking happens at night, when I'm out walking at five in the morning trying to rationalize why I've chosen to limit my life so profusely, and always, ALWAYS put others first. As per the usual, there is no answer, save for the one theory, that maybe I'm just too weak to make my own happiness. Just recently have I really come to the realization that I truly am a coward. In all honesty it's a fairly recent addition to my large list of personality traits. Most of which I have full control over; from back in the old days. The dark ones, where there really was no one single personality to speak of. I used to be popular, attractive, heavier, and much more intense. But to accomplish any of this, I had to lie about everything; to myself, to others, and most of all to friends. So, I came across this terrible feeling. One that would keep me from engaging in activities I had deemed, and for the most part still believe, to be detrimental to a healthy way of looking at the world, from a moral/social standpoint. The one I had really been l/d(ying) to get away from all these years. Shame, timidity, and cowardice. When I got to San Marcos, I changed, drastically, for the different. In terms of my social life, I changed for the worse. I went from being a hyper-extrovert, to complete reclusion. Of course, I latched on to a group of guys, and did my best to associate. But my best at that point was absolutely pitiful. In terms of my conscience I felt that I had at least become honest. In terms of girls, it made me so undatable that to this day I still don't even understand it. I didn't quite realize that all I really had to offer was the shitty personality/banter/smalltalk. I guess I lost a certain confidence that I used to have. I know exactly where it used to be. At least where I used to put it. Right behind my eyes. I used to practice a look, one that said more than my lips could possibly be communicating at the moment I gave it. One that said, I want you. Now, I've replaced it with one that says, I want to understand you. That one doesn't go over as well as far as attraction goes. It makes me tons of friends. It makes people trust me. It makes girls pour their hearts out to me about the relationships they have with these belligerent, overbearing, or uncaring assholes, that for some reason they choose to date over me. I can usually see they might think about me for two seconds, right before I'm hurriedly shuffled into the friend zone. There's a strange habit with all of my female friends, to be attracted to guys who either right off the bat, or usually very quickly become assholes. I get things like, "I could marry you, but never really date you." or, "I wish you were gay, so we could stay up all night in my bed and talk." What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? It sucks. A lot, and I don't have a clue what to do about it. more later.
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| today felt brand new in the worst way possible. I haven't felt this empty in years. Literally. Part of me kind of just fell off today, I should have seen it coming though. I've been feeling this coming for weeks. Things have felt so hollow in San Marcos. I want so desperately to really care for the people around me here, but I still don't feel close to more than about three people at school. At home, things are strange. The day I left Lubbock, everything about every relationship I had back home changed. I've said it over and over, but it really didn't hit me till this week. Especially after this past weekend, I feel more alone than I have since about 5th grade. That doesn't bode well. It means that a lot of my old insecurities that I have been fighting for the last 8 years haven't left. They've just been ignored. I felt like I lost someone's trust today. Someone who despite my feelings, felt I wasn't ever there for them. It's a very new feeling to be inadequate. I suppose that's a good sign; it means I'm no longer a liar. At least not all the time. Things are weighing heavy, I have a lot of responsibility that seems so superficial, but it's absolutely necessary to my continued existence as a member of society.
I don't know what to do.
Sleep well; I hope I sing you to sleep every night. Maybe that will be enough contact, or at least all you could want or expect from a person like me. I honestly felt like I had a place in your life, or at the very least earned it, and your trust. Turns out I was wrong, machine transfers are of no value, if someone isn't being pursued. Low self confidence and a fierce inferiority complex lend to that. Oh well. This is the only way I could have seen our friendship deteriorating anyways. We've always been defined in/by distan(ce/t) extremes.
I have to stop analyzing everything, and correcting people anytime they make a normal quick mistake. I come off as some sort of conceited prick who would rather be right than be loved. I don't know why I do it, or why any of my convictions have such power over me. I know it's annoying, belittling, and distant. I've always explained it as an odd form of love. But just explaining a bad habit doesn't fix anything, just like stating that a pipe is leaking, won't stop you from drowning in your basement. I'm determined to stop, soon.
In four years, I'll be someone you want to meet.
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| Clarity.
Catharine kissed me tonight, she's only done it twice. the first time heralded the death of my great grandmother.
At least i know my feelings are requited, there's a couple other people that i could use some [title] out of now.
jeez, we feel the same way, it's just different people. I hate feeling stressed, and i never do, it's only this sort of stuff that gets me feeling crazy.
damn.
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| What does it take to measure a man?
(Are there tools?) (actions have never yelled before.)
What combination of flesh, blood, and bone are capable of communicating the weight of a soul?
Something tells me it takes motion to feel. Be it yours, or things around you. I walked today. I walked far, sometimes alone, sometimes with company. Mental journeys, physical expeditions, i took it all in. I tried to absorb and appreciate the grandeur that is this beautiful, completely aloof planet we inhabit. The beauty of life, the miracle within, (mira! MIRA!) you are beautiful. All of you.
I can't seem to get why i am unworthy. There's this strange epiphany i had last week. I realized while walking, alone, into that dark hallway in my new, but oh so transient "home", that there was nothing i could do, at least at the present time, to guarantee that i will be happy with the decisions i have made dictating my future. School, is strange, (privilege, duty?) integrity is a hard thing to come by. It's hard to justify life, when your justification is merely people. (dumb, animals) The only thing i have ever run in to, that can be tangible, and yet completely mysterious at the same time.
(Thought) How, and Why?
Motion is a catalyst, at least for me. something to get the gears running in my, unique calcium case. Where has my god been; where have i been? My life has been oh so sweet. how can i possibly be one to be unhappy with my situation. I put myself here. (poor planning?) What's wrong with here? nothing. What's wrong with me? I have no idea. I can't shake the feeling that i have made a mistake. (i can't even make up a reason why.) I was hurt this year. by someone very close, i'm not sure if they even realize that it has even happened. I sit, and pretend that it never... Maybe it didn't. can i believe that? I'm not sure.
(6'2")
The length of time that i am required to exist from here on out is at least 20 years. The innocence in life is sucked out pretty quickly. It was one of the first casualties that i noticed upon getting here. walking, contemplating the part of me that had just died, i realized, this matters to no one, not even really to me. i dropped it.
me.
(12:46)
There is someone for me somewhere. Maybe, if i wish just right.
My self image problems are strange, I don't know where they stem from. or why i have a self image to begin with. I've made certain judgments about myself, they seem to have been mirrored within reality. (i hate it when things are backwards) "like causes dance away from me. I am your pamphleteer." I'm so sick of rhetorical questions, I'm so sick of not liking me. I don't want to stop.
(fruth)(nature)
I still want to get close to you. close like we were.
The smell of grass filled his lungs, he pushed his diaphragm, hard and angrily. (words can't describe the air that night.) He controlled it, so as not to disturb her. She slept ever so beautifully, with that naivete that only young ladies of her particular breed can acquire. So quiet, so sure was her sleep. "Her eyelashes" he said to me, "they move while she dreams. they begin and conclude her access to the realm that I am not allowed to dwell within. Through her, through her i love. with her i love, all of her i dream." The stars had never seemed so beautiful. his life had never been so full. "her action, the verbiage that is her life, it's art! so precise, so wonderful. beautifully constructed deep within her form, before there was time, before there was her."
God I miss her.
trm(punctuation)
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